15 posts tagged “friends”

I really can't explain the connection.

Souvenir K (because everyone has a nickname) asked me 4 questions while he was on his trip to South Africa and Zimbabwe.  I knew I was getting a souvenir of some kind, but I was expecting the questions to be related to the gift.

I'm pretty sure they weren't.

In any event, Souvenir K brought me back a beaded necklace.  It's very pretty and I'm thankful that he was thoughtful enough to bring me something from his trip.  I just don't understand the connection between the necklace and the questions.

Oh well.  I have a necklace.  And a very good friend in K.

Don't worry -- this isn't a review of "Ma Nishtanah," so you MOTs out there can stop calculating who the youngest person in the room is.

My curiosity was piqued about 3 weeks ago, when I was asked 2 questions.  Last week, another 2 were posed.  I've been having trouble finding the common thread among them, so I was hoping someone else's brain power would move my electric cart forward.

Context:  My South African friend K was disappearing to his native country for a few weeks, to visit family & friends and to check on his business there.  I, of course, asked him what he planned to bring me as a souvenir.  His answer:  "An African name."  No problem - it was inexpensive and it was easy for him to carry back with him on the plane.  Then the first 2 questions were delivered:

What is your favorite colour?  [his spelling - not mine]

What kinds of music do you listen to?

Seemed harmless enough.  I assumed he was debating about what to bring me -- some indigenously crafted handiwork, or perhaps some local sounds of popular band.  Either would rock the new pad (when I eventually move).  But then came the next 2 inquiries:

What is your star sign?

What are your top 5 favorite wild creatures (not including humans)?

I was definitely out of my element ...  Neither of these things seems to mesh with the first 2 questions, and these 2 didn't connect to one another.  What could he be thinking?

I'm at a loss ...  There is nothing striking about any of the questions, but because they were posed without any context of their own, without any small talk or banter to precede them, they seem so arbitrary. If I know K at all, though, there is nothing random about those questions.

So, I ask you - dear VOX friends - what could they mean?  Your guidance is immeasurably appreciated.

Brain-fried and defenseless,
Roboco

P.S.  I should mention that certain friends who know us both - K and me - think that my South African friend wants to be more than My South African Friend.  Could his questions be related?

Things that make you go, "Hmmmm..."

... of dilemmas.

(Sorry, dirty readers.  No porn-style posts today.)

I'm having issues.  Not the normal, every day, good-grief-is-this-my-reality issues, but 2 specific questions that I can't answer.  I'm going to post them here, with the hope that perhaps writing out some thoughts will help clarify the issues and perhaps even send me in the direction of a reasonable answer.  (Some characteristics have been changed to protect the guilty and, well, me.  Names are never used.)

Dilemma #1

A dear friend who I've known for years is a very reasonable person.  He would never say anything intentionally hurtful, and whenever we've had a disagreement, we've both acknowledged the differences and moved on anyway.  No big deal.

There was this one time, though, when he made a specific comment about being Jewish.  He, of course, is not a MOT, but you all know that I am.  The comment itself wasn't directed at any person -- it was, however, directed at a specific company with which I have ties.  And while the comment caught me off-guard at the time, I promptly dismissed it because I know him and I know that he's not malicious.

I have other very close friends, however, who apparently have not let it go.  I remember briefly discussing the placement of the comment on the night it was uttered, but the topic had not reappeared until yesterday.  After I had mentioned this particular friend, in passing, other friends said to me, "Isn't that the one who made that comment a few months ago?"  Initially I had no recollection of the comment itself -- but they were quick to remind me of the specifics.  Oh, right, that comment.

I can see that a few simple words that were thoughtlessly thrown out at a group dinner are going to haunt me.  I have the distinct impression that some friends are disapproving of my continued friendship with said offender, although I have no issue with him.  In fact, nothing of the sort has come up in conversation since that night, and clearly I wasn't offended originally because I didn't even remember the content.  Am I wrong for keeping my friendship with him alive?  How can I mix my peeps if there is going to be some discomfort?  Do I need to take a stronger stand against comments like his?  I wasn't offended, mostly because I trust him.  He's not a bigot -- he's not prejudiced in any way.  Should I rethink that?

Dilemma #2

You and I have known each other for only a few months.  We saw each other sporadically for the first two, barely interacting more than civil greetings and late-night dancing.  At one of our path-crossings, you made it quite clear that you were interested in getting to know more -- perhaps pursuing a more personal, one-on-one relationship?  Interesting idea.

The first steps were all yours.  The phone calls, the planning, the driving.  You took extra special care in arranging something unique -- you wanted to be sure to make a great first-date impression.  And despite some factors out of your control ("what do you mean the restaurant is closed?!?"), you were on a roll.  Heck, you even scored the first kiss after dinner.  Congratulations on making past the first hurdle.

On our way home that night, though, conversation lagged ...  We were silent, mostly, with the exception of arbitrary commentary about the islands, the weather, the food.  The chemistry between us was palpable -- we sat in the driveway until 1 AM debating our next move -- but where is our common ground?  Do we have any?

In spite of the time we've spent together since (and despite the complicated nature of that time and the planning of it all), it's the same scene.  Little conversation beyond "How was your day?" and "What are you up to this weekend?"  Lots of physical contact and exploration.  Mediocre knowledge of personal goals, family histories, and favorite sports teams.  Does this even make sense?  Does this work?

I'm drawn to you in a completely inexplicable way.  I'm turned off in a way that surprises me.  I want you.  I want you to want me.  I want the phone to ring, I want the calendar to be filled, I want to know more.  I also want you to drive me home, to drop me off and wipe the slate clean.  I'm unenthusiastic about our possibilities, but I want to discover them anyway.

Am I irreconcilable?

So I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of ...  neutrality ...  about this week.  I really should be ecstatic, irrational, sleep-deprived, or something else that conveys a sense of boundless excitement about what's going on here.  I mean, I've only been planning this since JANUARY.  Good lord, what's wrong with me?

For example, to give you a sense of what I've been doing to prepare, take a look at the checklist:

Things to do before GMA appearance:

Work a** off in the gym - CHECK

Get mani/pedi - CHECK

Wax wax wax - CHECK

Make reservation to board the dog - CHECK

Visit dermatologist - CHECK

Work out some more - CHECK

Confirm flight arrangements with GMA - CHECK

Verify stash of Xanax for Friday morning - CHECK

Coordinate groups of friends in NYC - CHECK

Set DVR - CHECK

Panic - um, no CHECK

For some reason, the panic hasn't set in.  I'm not even excited about the trip. 

I had the strangest sensation on Sunday, and it was not at all what I expected ...  Given my schedule of late, I would have expected exhaustion, realization, anxiety.  Instead, all I felt was sadness.  And dread.  I had no interest in doing the show, no interest in seeing my friends, and no interest in spending the whole weekend in NY.  I just wanted to sit on my couch, all week long, and pretend I didn't know what day it was.

Monday was no better.  I woke up cranky (which in and of itself isn't unusual) but I couldn't shake that sense of dread about my impending schedule.  And the more I thought about going to NY, the less I wanted to make sure that I'm still doing the show.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

I am confirmed for Good Morning America, though.  They have me a dressing room ...  they're getting my "supplies" from Glamour (including both the Before and the After swimsuit) ...  their travel folks have my flights and my hotel booked ...  This is a done deal.  Plus:  the parentals are driving up on Thursday to see me; my friends are scheduled for coffees, cocktails, dinners, and brunches; coworkers have VCRs at the ready.  And everyone is asking me how excited I am about it ...

Would it be wrong to say that I'm not? 

Would "F***k you" be an inappropriate response?

Why am I not more excited?  I'd settle for nervous, since the thought of being on LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION in a SWIMSUIT should make anyone want to crap their pants, but not me.  Not now.  It's so strange.  I feel oddly numb.

Asset or liability?  Plus or minus?  Don't know yet.

I just hope that it gets better after this.  I don't like numb.

I don't do resolutions.  I just don't.  I have nothing against resolutions, per se, but I don't believe in holding myself to an impossible ... um, okay, well that's not totally true. 

I do believe in holding myself to an impossible standard, and that's probably why I refuse to craft resolutions for the new year that are well-intentioned but likely to create anxiety and more self-deprecation than normal.  It's not that I don't believe in Change -- I fully support the concept of continual self-improvement and wholeheartedly wish to make some Worthwhile Changes in my own life -- but I don't think that we should try to write resolutions when most of us are at an extremely vulnerable point in the year.  I mean, there's pressure to buy the right gift for each member of the family, send holiday cards to your entire social circle, spend money you don't have on coworkers, and of course find the right party to attend on NYE (see a previous post for my thoughts on this one).  It's tough enough to get through the holidays with your sanity intact -- do I really need to start writing down thoughts on how to improve/change/alter/fix my life when I'm at the bottom of the proverbial fish barrel?

No.  Let me tell you ...  It's a bad idea.

With that said, I would like to offer one item for the Resolution Roundtable that I believe can be accomplished this year.  It is related to something I began late in 2006 and something that I hope to continue working on through the next 12 months ... 

I offer to the Table my commitment to write.

Yep, that's it.  That, right there, is my commitment for 2007.  I crafted the original commitment last year, when I first considered writing as a possible career/distraction-for-extra-money option, and so far I've been pretty good about it.  I started posting here on Vox, I started writing for a sports website (http://www.fantasymoneyball.com/), and I completed the first 6 chapters of the Travel Writers correspondence course from AWAI.  

(I got stuck on Chapter 7 because I actually had to submit an article with its details -- potential magazines for publication, target audience, etc. -- for criticism, and I just couldn't do it.)

My goal now is to get that article out there ...  get some feedback ... write more articles ...  and maybe, just MAYBE, earn some money for all of the writing I do.  Plus, I applied for another writing position today with a nationally recognized group that gathers thoughts, ideas, conversations, and self-proclaimed experts on a number of topics (including two of my favorites:  food and travel).  With any luck, they'll like my writing too, and I can start building that portfolio I need.

So, there you have it.  I commit to write.

It's not a "Resolution," but it is a pledge to myself for this new year.  And as a dear�friend articulated in his own post, there is only one measure of progress for this promise.

Wish me luck! 

Oh, and "Happy New Year."

Why does it sometimes take us so long to learn the lessons we need to learn?  We see the facts, we know the truth, we read the people as they are (despite what their mouths say).  So why does it sometimes take us an extra day/week/month/minute to fully realize the lesson?

Nobody ever talks about how to do this...  Nobody ever says to you when you're a kid, "Listen here, Little Susie - when you decide that the little b!tch Bonnie down the street is no longer worth your time, you can un-friend her by [fill in the appropriate steps here]."  Nobody hands you a manual with the title, "101 Ways to Un-Friend the Whore You Know" when you graduate high school and 'become an adult.'  

Why not?

I know that I'm not the first person to go through this process, and I know that someone out there must have some general rules for un-friending people (or de-friending, or however it should be phrased).  Where are you people?  I need your genius help!

There are interesting complexities to the process when you start to take into account common friend availability, living space proximity, and of course favorite bar locality.  There will be, no doubt, uncomfortable instances of accidental meetings, anonymous passings, and (im-?)polite declinings.  What I would like to avoid is the unnecessary, hypocritical, and generally frustrating discussion that accompanies the "Why aren't we friends anymore" question. 

Knowing me as well I do, I'd probably say something like:  "Are you SERIOUSLY asking me that, Stupid?!?"

In general, that's not a very productive response.

On second thought, maybe it would be productive.  Chances are that the person on the receiving end wouldn't like being called Stupid (even though she is), and no conversation that occurs after a question ending in laughter and the word "Stupid" could ever heal a relationship.  So maybe I would finally get the solution I've been seeking -- namely the ending of a way-past-dead "friendship" that never was, or would ever be, a Friendship.

Wrong way to end it?  Probably.  Intellectually I can admit that there must be a more adult-like method for un-friending, but right now I have no interest in being adult about this problem.

Oh, the dilemma. 

I've been thinking about friendship a lot these days...  What does friendship mean, how do you define a friend, when do you cut ties with people that you thought were friends.  I haven't come up with satisfying answers for any of the questions I've asked, which is just as frustrating as the underlying issue.  I wish I knew how to narrow it down.

(I don't really know why I capitalized the "T" and the "W" in the title of this post - I guess my high school English teachers would be proud of my well-learned lesson on proper grammar.)

I'm supposed to be working on a big project for the company right now.  I've been tasked with analyzing current processes and designing a de facto "billing module" (affectionately referred to as BM) so that the executives have greater insight into the business' fundamental drivers.  And even though I can put the whole thing on paper -- both text and image, thank you very much -- I'm just not all that interested in it right now.

What would I rather be doing?  Good question.  Here's a list:

• Writing my blog
• Reading my new travel writing course materials
• Editing an article that my new travel writing course writing buddy sent me
• Planning our department's celebration party for a project that was completed a month ago
• Reading online news
• Shopping
• Sitting by the pool
• Emailing my far-flung friends
• Shopping (oh, I think I said that already, but this time it's for furniture)
• Gabbing with friends (not coworkers - that's just dangerous)
• Cooking
• Reading my Conde Nast Traveler magazine (at home)
• Traveling
• Writing about my travel
• Planning my birthday party (less than a month away!)
• Etc etc etc.

There are DOZENS more things that I could be doing right now that would be WAY more interesting than what I'm supposed to be doing.  I have the papers spread out on my desk, though, so that it looks like I'm doing something work-related.  Nice ruse, eh?

Anything I should add to the list?

What should you be doing instead of reading this post?

I've had a strange convergence of ideas today...  I had an interesting conversation last night with a new man in my life, I received an email today (written yesterday) from an old fling, and I just read a post from my long-time friend.  Each comment is different but to me they point to the same thing.  And when things happen in 3's, you know it's important.

My friend's post talked about the need to be supportive of everyone else in his life, at the expense of his own needs.  I noticed this feature of his behavior when he was still dating the ex referred to as R, and I'm relieved for him that he's finally taking care of himself.  But it's the fact that he's able to recognize his compulsion to be there for everyone else that strikes me -- I'm the same way.  I've been that way for a long time.  I thought I had mellowed with age and was better about being open, being sensitive, appearing vulnerable.  I thought that I had learned to allow my friends in, to allow them to help me when I need it.

But then I talked to my new "love interest" (for lack of a better phrase) last night.  I've told him that I'm a remarkably private person, and he seems to be OK with it.  I told him that don't volunteer a lot of information to people, even friends, but I am an open book.  Ask me anything -- I'll give you an hoenst answer.  Sure, it takes time for me to share the special details, the events that have made me who I am, but I'm not a stone.  What shocked me was that I thought I was doing well -- and then last night, M said to me, "Boy, you really are a tough cookie."  Uh oh.  Not quite as soft and sensitive as I thought.  I'm getting better, believe me.  But I apparently still have a ways to go.

As for the old fling, he was the most surprising.  We drove together on Saturday to watch our alma mater play yet another successful game of football, and even though we hadn't seen each other or spoken in a long time, we had some good laughs together.  I tease him because he likes to spend time alone - he works alone getting his new business off the ground, he likes to watch the games alone because he wants to focus, and I rarely run into him out on the beach.  Which is why I thought his out-of-the-blue phone call was so random.  His email to me, though, indicated someone I have never met...  He was expressive and honest, and you could almost hear the painful cracking of his exterior shell ...  It was suprising and wonderful at the same time.  Could this be the beginning of a brand-new friendship?

Could E be my inspiration for becoming the better person I've been wanting to become?  Is the email going to be my model for how to be more open, receptive, flexible?  Has E shown me how to ask friends for help?

Thank you, Steven, M, and E.  I may not hate Mondays after today.