6 posts tagged “family”

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The Friday before Mother's Day we found out that the cancer has spread to L's brain. One tumor was in the frontal left lobe and the other is on the Cerebellum.  L had had no systems. The doctors were going to do Gamma Knife Radiation, which would have been a non evasive procedure. Before they could  schedule a date she had a seizure  at work 2 weeks later.  Yesterday, Monday, she had brain surgery to remove the one pressing against her Left Frontal Lobe.  They were able to remove MOST. There is a vein that is near that part of the brain that the tumor is close too and they did not want to damage the vein. In a couple of weeks, when she has healed, she will have the Gamma Knife Radiation to kill the tumor on the Cerebellum and, hopefully, get the rest in the Frontal Lobe area.  She is in alot of pain, but thank G-d doing well.   As long as she improves and does well, we are all doing ok.

Nothing is right about this.  She's 29.  Married 5 years.  Wants a family.  Can't.  Because all these years, she has had to return for treatments.  And for the news that the best cancer specialists in the world don't know the answer.  And now this.

I don't want some platitude about how "life isn't fair."  I get that.  I learned that one early, thanks.  But this?  This is bullsh1t.  Does it get worse than brain cancer?  I'd have a hard time imagining that it does.

My heart bleeds for L, her husband, her sisters, and her parents.  My soul aches for her extended family and other close friends.  My tears stream for everyone who has battled the pain, the uncertainty, and the tragedy that is cancer.

...

...

Y:  "I was engaged once.  Okay, twice.  Once to a girl from NJ and once to a girl from NO."

S:  "Wow, really?  Twice?  How'd that work out for you?"

Y:  "It didn't work out."

S:  "Yeah, I kinda got that."

Y:  "Well, I really wanted to marry the NJ girl.  But she couldn't have kids."

S:  "She couldn't have children?"

Y:  "We went to the doctor, and she thought she could have kids but he said she couldn't.  So that was the end of that."

S:  "Why didn't you discuss adoption?"

Y:  "I couldn't be happy with that."

S:  "You loved her.  You wanted to spend your life with her.  But you wouldn't consider adoption as an alternative to having your own kids?"

Y:  "No - adopted kids are all screwed up emotionally."

S:  "..."

Y:  "It's true.  All adopted kids are screwed up emotionally.  I mean, not knowing your parents as an adult?  That has to mess with your head."

S:  "Not ALL adopted kids are a mess.  I think most of it depends on circumstance before and after the adoption."

Y:  "Well, my brother never liked me."

S:  "..."

Y:  "My brother is adopted."

S:  "Wait wait wait ... Your own brother is adopted, and you still never thought of it as an option for yourself?"

Y:  "No.  Absolutely not.  I want my kids to have my musical talent, my athletic skill, my height."

S:  "You know, even genetics can't guarantee those things."

Y:  "Yeah, but they'd at least have a chance.  Did your parents have any musical talent?"

S:  "Yes - both of them, in fact.  And yet, somehow, I ended up with none of it."

Y:  "..."

S:  "That's what I thought."

Y:  "I have to learn how to 'date.'  I'm not good at being single."

So I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of ...  neutrality ...  about this week.  I really should be ecstatic, irrational, sleep-deprived, or something else that conveys a sense of boundless excitement about what's going on here.  I mean, I've only been planning this since JANUARY.  Good lord, what's wrong with me?

For example, to give you a sense of what I've been doing to prepare, take a look at the checklist:

Things to do before GMA appearance:

Work a** off in the gym - CHECK

Get mani/pedi - CHECK

Wax wax wax - CHECK

Make reservation to board the dog - CHECK

Visit dermatologist - CHECK

Work out some more - CHECK

Confirm flight arrangements with GMA - CHECK

Verify stash of Xanax for Friday morning - CHECK

Coordinate groups of friends in NYC - CHECK

Set DVR - CHECK

Panic - um, no CHECK

For some reason, the panic hasn't set in.  I'm not even excited about the trip. 

I had the strangest sensation on Sunday, and it was not at all what I expected ...  Given my schedule of late, I would have expected exhaustion, realization, anxiety.  Instead, all I felt was sadness.  And dread.  I had no interest in doing the show, no interest in seeing my friends, and no interest in spending the whole weekend in NY.  I just wanted to sit on my couch, all week long, and pretend I didn't know what day it was.

Monday was no better.  I woke up cranky (which in and of itself isn't unusual) but I couldn't shake that sense of dread about my impending schedule.  And the more I thought about going to NY, the less I wanted to make sure that I'm still doing the show.  I don't know what's wrong with me.

I am confirmed for Good Morning America, though.  They have me a dressing room ...  they're getting my "supplies" from Glamour (including both the Before and the After swimsuit) ...  their travel folks have my flights and my hotel booked ...  This is a done deal.  Plus:  the parentals are driving up on Thursday to see me; my friends are scheduled for coffees, cocktails, dinners, and brunches; coworkers have VCRs at the ready.  And everyone is asking me how excited I am about it ...

Would it be wrong to say that I'm not? 

Would "F***k you" be an inappropriate response?

Why am I not more excited?  I'd settle for nervous, since the thought of being on LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION in a SWIMSUIT should make anyone want to crap their pants, but not me.  Not now.  It's so strange.  I feel oddly numb.

Asset or liability?  Plus or minus?  Don't know yet.

I just hope that it gets better after this.  I don't like numb.

I went home this past weekend to visit the family.  I stayed long enough to celebrate the first night of Passover with the 'rents, grandmama, my brother & his family, and some great family friends that we know forever.

I watched "Friday Night Lights" tonight.  I stayed on the couch long enough to realize that the show makes me nostalgic, even though I have no idea why.

Parallel? 

Sort of.

I love going home to see my family.  I have no real draw to the Phila area anymore, except for the family, and it usually feels familiar.  Comfortable.  Like Home.  But whoever said that you can always go home again, lied.  You can't.

My family is cool and we're rarely on a schedule.  The house doesn't change very much.  I still know the security code for the garage door.  I'm no longer in my old room (it's big enough to accommodate my brother, his wife, and the baby, so I gave it up).  And despite having gone to high school from that house, none of the old ghosts haunt me.  Not IN the house, anyway.

Nope.  Instead, I find them out and about.

I knew that everyone in my hometown (of a certain age) is nosy.  I knew that they (of a certain age) like to compare notes and brag to one another about their families.  You'd think that being in a NATIONALLY CIRCULATED MAGAZINE and on a LIVE, NATIONALLY TELEVISED MORNING NEWS PROGRAM would be enough...  but no.  I was wrong.  It's not enough. 

Want to know why?

Because I am not married!

Yep.  You heard me.  I'm not married.

So what?  So tar-and-feather me.  I am 31 years old and not married.  I didn't realize it was a crime.

Forget the fact that I went through the Honors Program at a nationally ranked public university for my undergrad education.  Forget that I lived in Madrid one summer, unaccompanied, and studied at an international university, in classes that were conducted completely in Spanish (which is not my native language).  Forget that I landed one of the most coveted positions (in consulting) after graduating.  Forget that I went to a top-tier business school for my MBA and on scholarship my first year.  Forget that I've traveled pretty extensively and distantly, especially considering my youthful age.  Forget that my career has been nothing but one success after another, with both large companies and small.

I'm smart and attractive and ambitious and hard-working and dedicated and loyal and caring and generous and giving and friendly.  And I'm going to be in Glamour magazine.  And on Good Morning America.

None of that matters ...  apparently ...  because I'm not married.  Because I don't have a ring on my finger and a husband on my arm and a baby in a stroller.  Because I'm 31 and I'm not saddled with the kind of responsibility that some of my old high schools friends are.  Because some of them never left our hometown.

I am nothing without those things.

I don't believe that my parents drink the punch.  They want me to be happy -- they want me to find companionship to complement my happiness -- they want me to marry when I find Him and it feels Right.  They don't get into the one-up-man-ship that so often characterizes the casual chitchat of running into a neighbor.  But when I go home, and I run into folks who went to high school with me, I can't help but feel ... bad.  It's dumb, but it happens.  I feel like less of an adult when I'm in my hometown and I see what others have done.  I'm proud of who I am and I don't question my life when I'm at home in Miami, but what do I have to show for it all?

And why do I give a flying hoot what those Nobodies think anyway?!? 

When I was watching "Friday Night Lights," I realized how different the show is from my own high school experience.  We didn't have much of a football team, and our teachers weren't quite so friendly in the halls, and most of the students were not nearly as good-looking as the kids on TV.

But the show isn't so different, really, from high school.  The kids have so much optimism ...  feel the flush of first love with such passion ... navigate the waters of male-female friendships with absolute uncertainty.  The discomfort, the struggles, the tears, the parent drama -- it's all so familiar.  And it reminds me, so poignantly, where I am in my life.  Or, more importantly, where I'm not.

Parallel.  Sort of.

I thought that wisdom comes with age ....  Yeah, I'm still waiting for that.

I spent this past weekend in NC with my family.  My brother and his wife decided not to do anything special for my niece's first birthday, but it made sense for the whole family to get together to celebrate.  It's not like she would have remembered the party anyway, if we had had one.

All I can say is, Holy GOD my niece rocks! 

So Samantha went on Friday for her 1st birthday checkup, and the doctor confirmed that she's WAY ahead of the other kids her age.  I know I have nothing to do with it, but I like being a proud aunt.  She already has something like a dozen words that she uses regularly (although she uses some of them interchangeably, so I'm not sure she *understands* them), and she runs around the room on two legs better than some inebriated adults I know.  Plus, she's tall (for her age), blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and has the LONGEST eyelashes I've ever seen on a kid.  My brother isn't going to handle her teenage years very well.

It was awesome hanging out with little Samantha because she's such an even-tempered kid.  She never fusses.  We take her everywhere.  She eats people food.  And she loves her favorite aunt.  (That would be me, for those of you following along.)

My parents were also in town, which was great.  I don't get to see them very often, and I love hanging out with them.  We've been at this point for a while but I love to say it whenever we get together -- we're actually Friends now.  My parents are cool.  There were some rocky years between us a long time ago, so it's great to think about how far we've all come. 

PLUS, last week was a huge week for me, which I shared with the family over the weekend.  I got some AMAZING personal news on Wednesday (which I may choose to post about later), and on Friday there was some confusing but super exciting work news.  Most of the work news has nothing to do with me, but in the post-announcement meetings, which I missed because I left for the airport, there was some seriously promising discussions involving my name. 

Yikes!  I mean, Hooray!

It should get interesting from here on ....  Stay tuned.

I can't believe that I'm stuck traveling today.  Until last year, I had lived close enough to the family to take a train or to drive to my parents' house for the big Turkey Weekend, and I thought that was bad enough.  This year, though, I'm too far -- I think 1000 miles is a bit much to drive, even for 5 days.  Instead I'm stuck traveling by air with the other 25 million people who plan to head to the airports to get to some god-forsaken place to see their families for the ancient tradition of stuffing themselves silly.

I can't complain because Cherry Hill, NJ really isn't a god-forsaken spot.  In fact, it's ranked as one of the best places in the country to live -- I'm guessing due to its proximity to Philadelphia, New York, Baltimore, AND Washington DC.  I'm not suggesting that anyone would want to commute daily to DC, but you could certainly make a day trip out of it.  And besides, Philly is COOL -- there has been a ton of work done to the city to rebuild its the old neighborhoods with newfound glory and glamour, and I'd say that it's one of the more desirable places to live (if you can stand the cold weather, which I can't).

It is one of the few places I'd consider living, if someone provides me with appropriate amounts of layers to keep warm.

In any event, I'm not looking forward to traveling today with the millions of other folks who need to get somewhere and aren't interested in lines, waiting, or the hassle of the TSA.  I can't wait to see my niece and visit with the folks, but I am dreading the middle portion of my day.

Wish me luck!  And have a happy happy Turkey Weekend.